Sillage

*This piece of work has been included in the publication of the International Hall Of Poets.*

I wake up and get ready for another day,

Trying to let my soul find the desired way,

I look at myself now and ask," Who are you?"

Someone from the dark watches me out of the blue.

I walk outside to find a world made of crowd,

Where everyone remains bizzare yet feels proud,

I see people around me laughing and talking,

To me they seem to rush through their walking,

Sometimes they remind me of a part of my past,

Which I always learned would never last,

When I smile and accept this as a sillage,

I find myself being haunted by an image.

I see a child believing in unearthly miracles,

I see victories draped in mist that is empirical,

I see dreams paving their way into her heart,

To me they seem to redirect a wishful start.

Sometimes they remind me of a part of my past,

Which I always learned would never last,

When I smile and accept this as a sillage,

I find myself being haunted by an image.

I see a girl living in the world with innocence,

With friends, joys, love marking their presence,

I hear denials, betrayals, lies in cacophony,

To me they sound like a distant euphony.

Sometimes they remind me of a part of my past,

Which I always learned would never last,

When I smile and accept this as a sillage,

I find myself being haunted by an image.

I see companions masked to hide a demon,

I see conspiracies executed by freemen,

I witness defeats meant to kill the spirit,

To me they become a stubborn merit.

Sometimes they remind me of a part of my past,

Which I always learned would never last,

When I smile and accept this as a sillage,

I find myself being haunted by an image.

I write words, draw unseen pictures,

I visit places, sing of caricatures,

I feel worn out yet alive from inside,

To me they resonate where dreams reside.

Sometimes they remind me of a part of my past,

Which I always learned would never last,

When I smile and accept this as a sillage,

I find myself being haunted by an image.

I remember the unanswered questions,

I remember the unquestioned answers,

The silent razbliuto of a warrior that I have been,

To me it seems more like a tacenda once seen.

Sometimes they remind me of a part of my past,

Which I always learned would never last,

When I smile and accept this as a sillage,

I find myself being haunted by an image.

I feel heavy with memories, desires and fears,

I realize that I have been strong enough these years,

I look at myself now and ask," Who are you?"

Someone from the dark watches me out of the blue.

I try to figure out who it is and call out again,

My words seem to echo in the dark all in vain,

I can hear myself asking the same over and over,

I seek answers myself all this time together.

As I cannot handle the echoes anymore,

I answer myself by narrating from the core,

The moments I lived, the stories I shared,

The wounds, joys, memories, autumns for which I cared.

The echo no longer seems to haunt the darkness,

Instead I see myself coming out in brightness,

I look at myself now and ask, "Who are you?"

I see myself watching me out of the blue.

The silence is broken as I hear myself say,

"If what defines you is only the story on your way,

Through what you've lived, and who you've been,

What would you answer for what is not yet seen?"

I find an answer to the question "Who are you?",

Beyond those stories what remains of me anew,

I now smile and accept this as a sillage,

No longer do I find myself being haunted by an image.

Unprecedented, Undefined yet Undeniable.. Love..

They say, at some point in your life you will experience a feeling which you have neither experienced before that point nor will you experience after it. There will be a vacant space for that particular feeling, and you will never know about it. You will always feel that you don't have enough words to be able to express this feeling because it is so deep, so vast and resides within you like your soul which cannot be defined in this world--the existence of which expands beyond this life as well. Maybe, someday when you are wise enough, you will realize that you had been blessed to live the most beautiful feeling created by God in this universe. And it might strike you that you never noticed the little aspects about yourself when you felt that way because it was so obvious. Maybe someday when you are thinking something completely out of the context, totally irrelevant, you will find a small detail, a memory, that will bring that buried feeling up and you will feel the same again. You will find who you have become just because you were changed forever inside out, in some way, that will stay with you forever.

You will have the urge to say it but you won't. You will love in the purest and the most divine form which you will explore each day when you fall more in love wherever you remain, no matter how many years have passed by, since you first felt that way. You may not be able to figure out how. You will know that it wouldn't be difficult to speak in any language of the world, yet you wouldn't. Even though, many people would have said it before to husbands, wives, friends, fathers, mothers, children and soul mates. Yet, it will be difficult. Because you would want it to mean something in a way that there are no other words for it that you would find.

You would realize that you've never done it halfheartedly and too often, because you would have loved them for knowing you inside out like nobody else has known before, or at least you would hope that they love you, or could learn to love you, or are beginning to love you. And you would love them for all the ways  they are themselves, for just being them, which might be weird but maybe that's why you will love them. You would love them even when they tear your heart apart, or when they reject you for unknown reasons, or when they make you suffer more and more, or when they are unsure of themselves which makes them put you down. You would love them more and more for everything that they offer you. You wouldn't realize that you love them anyway, and would want them with you, no matter how, when and why, because everything that made you love them would make you want to be with them and that feeling would overpower any other thought. You would just love them, which will make you hope and dream of everything that they have said to you or haven't yet said to you, or fear to acknowledge to you and to themselves. You would find yourself reading their minds even when they refuse to do so.

You will find that you have always loved them, even though they might have walked away because love has many forms which neither you nor they would have known completely when you were together, and you would still want to find out those forms for loving them. You would love them for being with you always, for making you who you are today and when you carry this part of yours in the world, even if they don't remain with you, you'll be carrying a part of them with you inside your existence. You would love them because you have fallen for them every second since you have known them for everything they are and they could be, even when they didn't know themselves, even when they were not aware of their own fears, even when they didn't know how to act, You would love them for everything. You would love them for all that they have been to you and to this world, when you have known them the most, inside out, for their innocence, for the little harmless devil inside them, for their brutality towards you, for their love, or for the angel inside them who chose to bless this world always. You would love them for the miracle they have been to you, which would have changed your existence and removed your sufferings forever. You would love them no matter where you remain, whom you meet and what you do because they are growing inside you each day even if they don't know. You would love them for every little thing you would have talked about together, and whenever you write something no matter how irrelevant, whenever you read something, or whenever you listen to some music that you both would have talked about or visit a place relevant to you, or watch a movie you both would have talked about or meet somebody you both know, or even do something that reminds you of them, you would still love them for the journey you have imagined; for those unexplored ventures and those unseen adventures on roads that you would love to traverse with them as your companion, your best traveller for the warrior who you are now. You would love them for those innocent moments in your memories that you would have lived together and can always look upto each other to live in life, no matter when you two would meet after years.

You would love them during the darkest hours, when it rains hard, when the sun shines too much, when the winter gets too chilly, when the summer doesn't seem to end, through the nights of loss to the mornings of drowsiness, through the moments of being a nobody to the hours of winning the world, through the endless ages you have to live, even if they don't love you back; because you have seen that light of your soul mate in them and you would know it is nobody else. They may never think so but you are still going to love them this way even if you two don't remain together physically. You would love them wherever you remain, even if you both never meet again. You would love them in every moment whether you remain in a crowd basking in your glory or in solitude wondering about your roads. You would love them through days and nights, seasons and weathers, when you watch the world with its lights or people, or when the breeze wavers through your hair, or when the drops touch your soul, You would live them through their blessed presence. You would love them through every wish, every dream, every passion of yours which will remain relevant to them in some way always. You would love them when you travel in this world as who they have made you. You would love them for the innocence in them which didn't allow them to think of living this love, but moved them to carry it as the most beautiful asset of a pure bond called friendship. You are still going to fall for them each moment more and more as you live them and this love that happened to you unknowingly. You are going to love them even if they are not your first love because you would know they had to be your truest and the last one, to be lived forever, because you would know now that they had been sent for you, that they are your soul mate, even if they don't think of falling for you in the same way. And if they ever needed your hand, you would always be there for them in any way they wanted. You would love them not just because you fell for them unknowingly, but also for the human being they are, for the most trustworthy and the best friend you found in life who can never think ill of you and will always be there to hold you, that nobody else would be, even if you are at different places not in touch for long because you have known each other, your secrets, your desires, your stories throughout your lives, your little wishes and every single thing about your being the most, like you wouldn't share with anybody else now. You would love them for making you find your strengths, for making you see your beauty as well as flaws, for protecting you in their divine ways, for caring like only they would do. You would love them for the similarities, coincidences, miracles and blessings between you both which changed you and your life and the way you live completely, which made you take a step inside yourself and into the world for others. You would love them because they gave you your faith back when you needed it the most. You would love them for trusting you when nobody did, when the whole world stood against you, when you were in depths. You would love them for making you believe that you could be a great friend, that you could be a great lover too, that you could stand in the world strongly for your beliefs such that you won't need anybody. You would love them for making you see beyond the world into insights that only both of you will know as secret friends.

And all this would occur to you maybe on a silent evening when you are strolling around, or in the hustle and bustle of your regular life, or maybe when you are just trying to turn the pages with a sense of wisdom, that they touched you like nobody else would. You wouldn’t know if you’ll reach out to them and tell them how you needed them all these years. You would wonder if they will say it back, and to be honest, you wouldn’t know if they even thought about you all this time the way you did. Expecting them to love you just because you do would feel like too much pressure, a little greedy. You wouldn't know where you stand on the track of love being patient and kind type that everyone has been devoted to for so many untold years, but you would want love to be a little bit selfish anyway. You would want them for your own, for you to love. You would want to be the only person who loves them this way. You would dream about everything again and want all of these things with them — but, in the deepest of your heart, you would want them to be happy, even if they’re happier when they’re not loving you, and you'll submit yourself to that risk again.

Love is taking chances, and trusting someone else, and being honest when they know very well that it could shatter you or come up in your face five minutes or seven days or 20 years down the line. You would want to tell them that you love them and they could never say it back, or they could realize that this is going somewhere they don’t want to go, or they want to let you down easily and you just raised the stand, or maybe they love you like a friend and just don’t love you. There are a thousand different things that could happen. There are a thousand different possibilities on the line. Love changes everything.

You could tell them in all the roundabout ways, You could mention it haphazardly, You could say it for the first time when they are sleeping and it doesn’t count because they don’t hear you — but at least the pressure would be off, maybe a little. You could tell them that you love what they write, or how you look when you smile in an innocent or naughty way, or that one thing you do for everybody, or how they share this bond with you, or that you love their secrets, or the way they speak about anything and everything to you, or how they remember the smallest of details about everyone they meet or what they did, or that you love their habits and their opinions even if you don't agree with some of them at times, or that you want to be a part of their existence even if this existence is mortal and by the unsaid extension of all of these things, that you love them.

So you might tell them that you love them, and you are going to find the words (even though you’ve already found them, really) and you’ll be nervous and unsure, and deep down maybe you’d like to hear them back. You’d be lying if you said that wouldn’t be nice. Because if you love someone, you should let them know they say, but I wonder if the people who have said that over the years realized that letting someone know you love them exists in all the spaces between the words, in all the things you do for each other, in all the ways you look at each other and are kind and patient and true, in all the moments when you find yourself thinking about them and hoping that they’re happy, in all the moments when they were not sure if they would be loved back by the same person, or in moments of uncertainties when they did not know whether to wait for that love or to accept that they will never be loved back by the one they love, in those moments when out of a totally irrelevant context and out of nowhere, for no reason but because it is an inseparable part of them, they feel the strongest presence of that love with them, which seems to bloom inside their hearts, as if they parallely live in some isolated world known only to them and that love, like the ones they have shown you, even when they physically exist in a world that is far away from theirs.

You might still love them when you grow old and find them somewhere at the dusk of your lives, thanking them for the way they taught you to find your way on your journey through your strengths. You might love them for being a part of your journey by their abstract presence in your being, for being a friend, a child, a teacher, a blessing, a miracle and every possible form of affection for you. You might love them for those numerous memories and moments of innocent bond that you have shared, for those enchanting mid nights which kept you awake for those beautiful secrets, similarities and coincidences that have been with you ever since you both met, the reasons for which you do not know.

You might tell them that you love them. You know the words, and how to say them, and everything that they mean to you and them. You are going to love them even if they don't love you because you know they are the only one for you. You will realize that the only thing that was left to do, then, was finding your voice. So may be, you will not tell them that you love them. May be, You will live this beautiful world of love within yourself and would love to be with them the way you have been, as a blessing. Because more than love, you are going to live blissfully in the bond that you have shared in this cosmos as the purest, the most innocent,  the most divine and the most beautiful form of any human relationship on this Earth. You might love them even after ages, across many lives because you will be sure you have always loved them in every life of yours. And in some part, they might remember you as a person who happened to be somebody they knew, You are going to love them for that too. And someday may be when you are thinking of all this, they will realize too, that the undefined space that was irreplaceable in their hearts, reserved only for you, but gone unprecedented, was something they had denied to define as love.

How I Wish I Were...

How I wish I were an Albatross,

One which could fly high in the sky,

Crossing oceans separated by barriers,

While merging into the essence of travelling to different places..

How I wish I were a feather,

Forgetting what it meant to be bound to land,

Living the eternal bliss of dreams,

And then making my own way through the wind...

How I wish I were a frozen cloud,

Being born in the sky somewhere,

And then melting down to some point,

To reach my eternal destination...

How I wish I were a wave,

Resting for sometime on a forgotten ship,

Crashing against the shore in a minute,

And sweeping back to the ocean in another one..

How I wish I were a rainbow,

Setting in with the rainfall,

Growing through the sunshine,

Making millions of dreams come true...

How I wish I were a river,

Rolling stones as I keep flowing,

While bending around rocks,

Nurturing lives as I live myself...

How I wish I were a star,

Living in a paradise high up,

Making innocence survive through beliefs,

Falling down to prove the faith...

How I wish I were a ship,

Being lost in a stagnant sea,

And then setting off to nowhere,

Being lost in the sounds of waves...

How I wish I were a leaf,

Witnessing the world around,

And then being blown somewhere,

To find myself getting reborn..

How I wish I were the wind,

Soothing every soul I meet,

Reviving each heart in the story,

Living different stories every moment...

How I wish I were a mountain,

Being strong enough to survive storms,

Growing a land around myself,

Making ways for warriors like me...

How I wish I were a forest,

Hiding secrets since centuries,

Being lost under covers of silence,

Revealing all to real seekers like me..

How I wish I were a lighthouse,

Guiding lost sailors in storms,

Projecting myself for dreamers,

Being a milestone in the ocean...

How I wish I were the night,

Watching the world go to sleep,

Wondering about the cosmos,

When I stay awake for them....

How I wish I were a feeling,

The one which completes humans in depth,

From ecstatic blessings to sorrows,

The one which remained forever....

How I wish I were a story,

Creating a never-ending chain of stories within,

The one which could not be bound to worldly instances,

The one which would always be remembered...

How I wish I were a moment in time,

Revisiting a memory lane to relive it,

Carrying within me a lifetime of happiness,

While living eternally in this universe...

Feminism? Really? Errr... Open Your Eyes!

Dear Newborn Feminists(primarily out of social media),

The social media including all your favourite hangout networks is flooded either with inspirational videos about how women need to fight against men or with pictures and open letters bringing all men into a circle of suspicion, remorse, guilt just because they are men--hence, chauvinists. All men around you are rapists. They always have to do something to offend women. Oh yes, they are born to dictate us and we have to fight against them. After all, it is the 21st Century, we have been given the freedom to protest, to speak, to fight and why not fight these men and tell the world how great we are. Yes, we have public platforms. Just go on and on about how weak, tortured, molested we are by each and every man out there. These men--they never want to watch us rise because of the built-in ego. Men will always be chauvinists. We are the light. We will be the saviours. We are feminists.

Hold on! Do you even know what feminism means? Or for that matter, what even chauvinism portrays?

Male Chauvinism is nothing but the belief that women are inferior to men, and should not be allowed to enjoy the status of equality and rights as men would do. Before I get into the scenarios where you might experience male chauvinism, let me take you around yourself for a while. Do you have male friends, colleagues or teachers whom you've known for a while? How many of them are rapists, or for that matter, objectify you personally and make you feel uncomfortable? Have they ever denied you of any social privileges that you would want to enjoy? (In fact, you might have been given special privileges at times). Come a little closer to yourself now. Have you known your father or your brother? Do they look at you or at other women with a sense of objectification? Have they harassed anybody? Does your mother feel insecure and downtrodden for her rights with them? How about your husband or your soul mate? Does he deny you of your personal space or rights? Do you live according to his choices? Has he made your life no less than that of a slave?

If your answer is no, then you are most welcome to read further. Women, no doubt are being given freedom so much more than they used to get 50 years back, to the extent that they might even misuse it freely. Of course this was needed to bring them at par with their counterparts socially, economically, personally, judicially. That is what Feminism means, isn't it? It was absolutely correct to bring feminism into light. Equality of rights for women, as it says, and it is nothing more than that. You are surely at par if you analyze. You can take your own decisions, you can study, make friends, love, marry, visit people, explore the world as per your desires. It is good, isn't it? You can work as per your own wish and build a professional life for yourselves. Ask your mother if she enjoyed the same freedom and you'll know how blessed you are. Obviously, your daughters will get more freedom than you do, because each generation of parents will be more understanding than the previous one.

If you are raised in an atmosphere of equality, so has your brother been, and if your mother has supported you with this, so has your father. They are men, if you remember. And just like your family, every other family has raised their children in the light of this atmosphere, the extent of which, may vary, but the foundation remains the same. These men, who come out of some families, are not all chauvinists. Look around yourself and observe. They understand feminism, they support women. They know the importance of working in collaboration with women rather than pushing them to the darkness. They are aware that giving equal freedom to women is going to light their own society in some way.Our mothers were not foolish to sacrifice for our families. A strong lady does not need special privileges. She can stand for justice and fight against injustice. She is aware of her responsibilities and knows how to nurture the society despite the odds, rather than being rebellious unnecessarily to show her strengths.

But wait! You are a newborn feminist. You have to fight against men because of some incidents which prove that men belong to that filth-covered race, which objectifies women. Who gave them that point to do so? You did, didn't you? And you target all of them, because your families and friends don't have such men. Haven't you tried to take your freedom for granted at times? Surely, those are your choices, but ignoring the norms of a society which works on co-dependence is not really smart. I do not say that men are as noble as angels, but we all have demons and angels inside us, and we keep learning everyday to remain as angels. Justice needs to be demanded and fought for, no doubt, whether for men or women, but not at the cost of the whole race, which diminishes the innocent people too.

You might have chauvinists around you too, and they need to be taught a lesson for sure. But do you think writing open letters, making videos which inspire women to be rebellious at unnecessary instances, or by abusing men will do any good to those who suffer, men or women. If you do not want to change your surname, share your household chores, stay out till late, have your own life, that is a matter of mutual understanding between you and your better half. But if you want to have sex with whosoever you want to, and not bring your child(his too) into the world, it has to be a choice, not based simply on your opinion. He has an equal say in that. And that doesn't make him a chauvinist at all. If you blindly want to follow your choices for the sake of freedom, please don't ruin anybody else's life for that. With the trend of any burning issue going viral, you may have the freedom to support it blindly, but you cannot ignore the insensibility in doing so. If you party somewhere and forget the social norms, you are independent. If a man does that and stops you, he is a chauvinist. You can abuse men because they are dogs. What message are you giving to the generation that looks up to you? Rebellion towards everything that leads to loneliness, breaking of families, more social vices in the name of modern culture--everything in the name of the so-called feminism? Oh please! Go and learn what it is first. If your choice can affect and ruin somebody else's life, then it isn't solely your choice for sure.

This whole hyped-war of feminism for fighting against men in every possible way, looked exciting when you were a teen. But have you ever seen your parents being concerned about it? Just imagine how your days would have been if everyday you heard this conversation at home--

 Your Mom- "You are such a male chauvinist! You never let me do anything."

 Your Dad- " Oh it is you who is a feminist. You never understood me."

Ever heard that! No. Because your parents know the fact that they are mutually dependent on each other. They have accepted that equality is for both the genders and they have to play their parts well. They know that women and men are strong in their own ways and they don't need to prove it to each other childishly. And that is how they have brought you up too. Then why the hype when you consider yourself to be a grown up? This world will be a better place if you work towards making it thus, and believe.

Now you might surely remind me of the multiple rape incidents across the nation or of molestation that you might have faced as a child. You might even say that women are still not safe because decent men are even more advanced and objectify women silently. True! I agree that men are like that, but there is a difference between being cautious and being rebellious. You might even remind me of the numerous women in the remote areas who still haven't been touched by this wave of 'freedom for women' in any sense at all.  So what difference will writing open letters or making rebellious videos make to them? Feminism has a lot to do with their lives too, which apparently, is not concerned only with choices, dresses, sex, or partners. They have more serious problems to deal with, and such messages are more like "Tales Of Arabian Nights" for them. If you really want to work for feminism to bring all women at par with men, step out of your comfort zones and do something outside the screen, rather than trying to show how superior, different, outspoken you are. Fight against injustice equally when men get tortured or when women take advantage of their freedom too. Walk together and you will see how much support you get from those around you(from men too).That would be some feminism.


Yours Strangely,
A Woman(Feminist Too).

"Me" - The Undeniable Entity With An Identity

Looking back, I realize that I've come a long way till here, just like every other person who would have started; and even if I haven't done anything different till now, I know where I stand and I take the pride and responsibility for being who I am today.

The journey, not at all easy, has been one with versatile experiences and it will continue for the rest of my life, but I am contented with what it has brought for me till now. Contented- not just for what it has offered, but for what it has not offered as well, because it helped me to learn, from mistakes and imbibe that spirit within myself to make me who I am today.

There was a time when I was afraid to make the wrong choices, to stand alone, to voice my opinion, to lose the most precious assets to me, to face setbacks, to be judged by the world. But gradually I realized that none of this was important to make me who I want to be.

My wrong choices only taught me what I should not go for, they made me stronger than before, and I got to know myself better. The times when I stood alone for myself, out of the crowd, gave me the blessed opportunity to look into myself and rejoice in my strengths that gave me the courage as well as the confidence to follow my heart, when I wanted to. I realized that it was completely alright to say what I felt in reality rather than beating around the bush.

When I felt as if I'd lost some of my most precious assets, I realized that nothing in this world is going to stay with me forever, except for myself. It is only me who has to pursue this journey, creating different stories and roads at different instances with people/possessions I get. It gave me the confidence to face hardships and let me be true to myself. I learnt that the most important thing to remember was to rely only on myself and believe that I could do all that I wanted to, if I really wanted to do it.

I realized that expressing my genuine opinions and being who I really am might not earn me many people who were always sweet, but it would definitely get me a few those who were true, and that is all that matters. Those who wanted to be with me will always find a way to do so no matter what happens. I realized that standing out of the crowd required courage, to withstand the opposition, to grasp defeats, to be patient with backstabbing, to stay sane and strong when facing immense criticism; because I would have to keep up the faith in myself to be able to wait for my chance silently, prepare for my battles, grab the chance and get my bag of worth.

I realized that the world will always mock at me for walking out of the way because changes are not easily accepted. But I also realized that it was never important to please the world and prove anything to masses who had nothing to do with my life. It is completely my life and I am the sole person responsible and accountable for anything that I do. I need not answer to others, because they were never concerned, just interested; and for them, it might be just another piece of gossip. I realized that I should prioritize time for those who matter, because others who do not respect me, are definitely not worth giving time, to let them peek into my life and analyze who I am. I realized that I need not lose heart if losers who could not get around me try to announce their baseless reasons about me to the world, because they will have nothing better to do.

I realized that I need to take my own decisions and the world will always judge me for that. People who shouldn't be bothered about this will always have something to say about me. But then I need not get affected, because when I break down, none of those people will come to hold me. It will always be myself who will get up, feel sad, learn and then get ready to walk further on the same road with my beliefs. In order to accept myself, I'll have to accept my flaws before I ponder upon them for improvement.

I realized that destiny will not always be generous enough to fulfill my dreams, but if I have the strength to keep going, then this game against mistakes and destiny will seem adventurous to me, and I will never give up, until I challenge it and get what I want. I know that when I look back to the times when I had to face hardships, I will laugh at it, because I will know that I was equally stubborn as my destiny at that time.

I realized that I will have achieved many things which only I would know in reality, and even though my success will be measured on the basis of those achievements, yet, my peaceful contentment and happiness will lie in the emotions that I will have experienced by then and in the love I will have shared with the ones who matter to me, in the emotions I will have expressed, in the risks I would have taken for those I love, in the decisions I would have taken to accept the happiness offered by those who love me, in the blessings I will have offered to those I met, and in the forgiveness I will have granted to those who might have hurt me. I realized that happiness will enlighten my soul with moments of joy, and the bliss of solitude in the wind, in those raindrops or the chill or the calmness of nights and sunrise will touch my soul and seem more rejoicing than the materialistic assets of pleasure in the long run. I have realized that the joy of finding myself when I follow my heart, of finding love, of finding a way closer to life will seem far more ecstatic than joining the crowd.

I realized that in the process of making others happy, I have the right to make myself happy too because no one else was going to do it for me. I found that happiness is an easily available prospect if I really wanted it. I realized that I have to value myself before people learn my worth, or else they were never going to find that. I realized that I have been assigned the most important responsibility for myself- to stand up for myself when the whole world was against me, because nobody else would do it for me and I have the right to do so.

I realized that I am an undeniable, unique, blessed entity who can be defined only by myself. Yes, I realized that nobody else has got the right to set norms for me and decide who I am. Yes, even though I am a part of this society, I realized that in order to live at peace with the most important person- myself(because that is all that matters), I'll have to establish my own norms and live with them. I realized that is fine to be uncertain and scared, and to be optimistic when I feel blue, both at the same time.

Though there could have been many versions of myself, I know how I became this one and how I will become the one many years later. I have realized that I exist on my own and will continue to exist in this cosmos. I am going to be the writer for my story in my way and will figure out or create my own distinct identity as I should. I realized that in order to become ME, I have to be innocent, weird, mature, responsible, childish and crazy for myself, because I am the only one who knows my journey and the only one who has the right to justify it. And somewhere in the middle of this realization, I know that I grew up to be the one who I am today, waiting to explore myself more and more each day.

All Roads Lead To Your Rome...

"Socha to maine kai martaba, yun hota to jaane kya kya hota,

  Khayal ye aaya zehen mein, yun hota to shayad  main na hota."

Each one of us, yes each one, has taken different turns and abandoned many choices to follow the road which we are walking upon now. Apparently, each one of us has also wondered at each point, on each of those roads, whether or not it was the correct one. What more, even if the one we follow now seems good enough, we have the thought at the back of our minds, if this is the one; or what if this is the wrong one again. No matter how certain we are about ourselves, we as humans sustain the fear of the unknown, which owes to the characteristic of a human.

Doesn't it happen that sometimes, when we are consistently trying to find that light out of darkness within ourselves, we wonder if our choices could have been different to lead us to some other version of ourselves? Perhaps, we all daydream at some or the other point in our lives about those 'what ifs?'. In fact, we might even create a whole new prospect of the possible parallel universes we find when following the results of those 'what ifs'.

These 'what ifs' seem to be the culprit of everything that troubles us deep inside our hearts, isn't it? And then we might wonder about an unknown venture of our days to come, concluded from those thoughts, ignoring what we know about ourselves and about our days to come. It is natural to ponder upon our mistakes, past, grievances, glories and get trapped in this maze of 'what ifs'. It is obvious to get baffled and wonder how things could have gone, which road we could have travelled, just because things seem uncertain right now.

But do you know, we often forget the simple fact that we are afraid of the unknown, no matter how gloomy the known might seem. I have realized this at many instances that we unknowingly accept what we have lived. We might wonder about changing what happened, but if we were really given a chance, we would never do so. Yes, we would never go and change the road. Reason: We are uncertain of where it would have led us.

I will tell you exactly as I have experienced this feeling. When you start complaining about how you have become or start feeling low about something, when you get trapped in those possibilities of 'what ifs', remember this. If you don't believe me, just sit for a moment and think about your life. Ask yourself and notice what answer you give.

"Is there anything in life that you regret?" You might say yes.
"Is there anything you want to change, given a chance?" You might say yes and even suggest the changes to yourself.
Now ask yourself, what you could have done if those changes were made. It might take a moment, but you will find that you actually do not want to change anything. Why? Because in your current situation, you know who you are, what you have done, what you can do, what you should do and what you shouldn't. But any other possibility brings an unclear picture to yourself and after a minute of thinking, you realize that the place where you are right now, is the way it should have been, because from here, you will be able to pursue your journey, in your best possible way.

The truth that follows is that none of us really wants to change anything about what happened. Deep inside, we are comfortable with and proud of who we are today, no matter how many mistakes we made. We can justify ourselves for everything that happened on the way, and somehow it gives us the strength to move further on our present road. We will also agree that if it hadn't been for those moments and roads, we wouldn't have become who we are today, and we wouldn't have known our flaws, strengths, possibilities in depth. May be, we wouldn't even have known what to do and what not to do.

In the light of this point, we can finally smile at ourselves and believe that no matter what choices we make, we know better how to reach where we want to go, and we will be there, because no one else knows it better. Of course, making mistakes is a part of learning what we should not do and this knowledge has come from what we have already lived, in the way it was meant to be. Shouldn't we give up regretting what happened, then? It is time to love everything that life has given us and will give us, without complaints.

Once we have found our actual road, we will know that it is the one. At that time, we might not feel scared to leave our comfort zone, step out, face the odds and remove the darkness, even if it takes time for us to see that light; because we will know that the collected cobwebs within ourselves have been finally identified and will take a while to be removed once we have our light. The destined road will eventually be found from the one we walk upon now, because the journey is planned by someone up in another world. So no matter which ones we take, all those roads will lead us to our Rome. Have faith in yourself!

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder if the world is an illusion,

Portraying lights through a sustained delusion,

Then I wonder if it will remain forever this way,

Letting every memory in place and every trace stay.

Sometimes I wonder if beliefs can be strong,

Managing to survive when things go wrong,

Then I wonder if dreams can come true,

Keeping the faith alive when I feel blue.

Sometimes I wonder if there exists a light,

Which makes my soul wander every night,

Then I wonder if those places will be mine,

Which seem to be more than a shrine.

Sometimes I wonder if hopes are hallucinations,

Mere fantasies of hazy visions and imaginations,

Then I wonder if faith brings that intuition,

Bridging realities to the invisible world in fusion.

Sometimes I wonder where happiness abides,

In past, present or in imagination of strides,

Then I wonder if moments just come and fly,

Bringing bliss to experience as they pass by.

Sometimes I wonder if life will just move,

Come to an end this way being mortal to prove,

Then I wonder if it will bring something new,

Which might be just mine and remain true.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just a loner,

Intending to wander, seeming a groaner,

Then I wonder if invisible forces remain,

Being different, guiding me through every lane.

Sometimes I wonder if I dwell among the masks,

Which cover shrewd people behind their tasks,

Then I wonder if I am wise enough as well as strong,

To defeat the culprits on my own and be aware of the wrong.

Sometimes I wonder if struggles are between smiles and tears,

Each moment being a lifetime of battles to overcome fears,

Then I wonder if I can smile at foolishly planned strategies again,

Waiting for my chance to attack and see them getting destroyed in vain.

Sometimes I wonder if mistakes are continuous,

Proving me wrong without being superfluous,

Then I wonder if they are just overdone allegations,

Pointed to shatter self-trust using those accusations.

Sometimes I wonder if the world is materialistic,

Unaware of the depths while being pessimistic,

Then I wonder if the hint dwells in the innocence,

Struggling inside every heart to show the presence.

Sometimes I wonder if journeys continue,

When the road diverges leaving no clue,

Then I wonder if all roads bend,

To lead through journeys to the desired end.

Sometimes I wonder if I should join the crowd,

Follow what others do and feel proud,

Then I wonder that only clouds get carried in a cyclone,

The moon and the sun stay intact even if alone.

Sometimes I wonder if I am more of a mystery,

That will remain misunderstood, unsolved and become a history,

Then I wonder if it is just an idea which is hollow,

Propagated by so-called great minds which are shallow.

Sometimes I wonder if my world really exists,

Feeling as if it is only in my mind that it persists,

Then I wonder if there have been just few,

Who could believe in a higher world anew.

Sometimes I wonder if all actions give an equal result,

Weighing justice and injustice unveiling the occult,

Then I wonder if noble thoughts give way to bliss,

Creating a possible world of an impossible wish.

Sometimes I wonder if desires never end,

Because human minds follow that trend,

Then I wonder if hopes make hearts beat,

Curbing storms by a blessed retreat.

Sometimes I wonder if people forget their existence,

Struggling to find themselves for remembrance,

Then I wonder if emotions are what they possess,

Trying to hide from this world they want to impress.

Sometimes I wonder if I will win my battles,

To know how to blow off surrounding shuttles,

Then I wonder if I am that undefeated warrior,

Just like those who can cross every barrier.

Sometimes I wonder if I really belong to this world,

Fighting to prove myself through events all curled,

Then I wonder if I am the one out, meant to stay alone,

To change this world or to find the one that's my own.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just another tale,

Meant to live each chapter, glorious or pale,

Then I wonder if one day I will leave a mark,

Shown to find every way out of the dark.

Sometimes I wonder if the world will remember me,

With a joy or a sorrow when my soul becomes free,

Then I wonder if they will find me in every trace,

Because I will remain with my loved ones through an embrace.